im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
