i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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