Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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