I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
