): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!