That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party