For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
These Medical Professionals Recall the Worst Cases of Hypochondria They’ve Seen
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.