Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
