onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
