watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this boner is exhausting
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
