it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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