Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
