So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
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