I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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