her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
