I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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