four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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