tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
