Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
