I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
