and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
