Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
