so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
