he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
