I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
