mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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