I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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