You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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