Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
