Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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