i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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