pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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