"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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