Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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