btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
