I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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