My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
