my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
