I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
