I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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