Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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