Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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