I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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