My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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