Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
