Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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