saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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