my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
