you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
