Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When are your genitals available?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
