I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
