The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
