And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What drink are we having for lunch?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
