Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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