I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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