Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
