i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
