i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
