Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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